Wednesday, August 06, 2003
I have been talking to Trinh about this over ICQ, I feel that he has problems of his owns too, which put my views into perspective and made me wonder about life in general. Here is a shorten version of my monologue with Trinh, as good friends go, he just listened patiently while i bitched about life and waged war against all.
Got an email from a ghost from the past... someone from my past, someone I hurt. The email stirred a bunch of emotions from me, mainly of regret. It was from an old friend, a friend long lost. Some harsh words were spoken, some words of apology never said. Then, as university approached we took our separate routes and never saw each other again. Still it is awkward, since we still have the same circle friends, we still get mass emails from each other, but never personal emails to each other. There is always a sense of awkwardness present.
When I read the email, I wanted to write back, to apologize for what I said so long ago. But I wonder, will my words be understood for what they are? or will they be twisted again by the perspective of coldness between us?
Emotions long past, but forever present, under the surface lies, stirred by few words, and regrets overflow.
Why is life so hard? Because of perspective, we choose goals and make our life miserable. Face life with a smile in your face and your burden shall lessen. I laugh at the hardship of life… at myself. But laughter does not ease the suffering. it is like putting on a mask everyday. A mask that over times gets worn out and the world's reality assault you again....
When you face people everyday, don't we all wear masks? If we were to expose our true selves will we be liked? You don't want to hurt the other person right? There is no point.
My roommate came in just now; complaining about the cereal I bought. He is allergic to nuts, and if bought the Honey & “Nut" Cheerios. Yes, should have seen that coming. If I were my usual self, I will probably crack a joke about it and we will all have had a good laugh, instead I stared at him blankly and felt that I could care less. I will try to make it up for him; go get him some breakfast food or something, bur right now I don’t feel like it.
Exam in two days, yet I feel I cannot study. Brain is dead, or rather my will to study is. so many broken promises, so many empty goals, so many hardships yet to go. life is low now, but hopefully it will become better.
My friend, the one that I have wrongfully hurt, if you read this one day, will you forgive me? Will you remember? Will you understand? So many years have past. Will you remember and laugh? Call me up and chat? Or will you still spit out the venom I threw at you years back?
I think I better go to sleep now. Maybe when I wake up it will all have been a dream and I will feel better.
